“Son, your mother and I worked very hard to make sure we have enough money put aside for your education. It has been worth it, knowing that this money will make you learn and practice things at Republic Polytechnic that will help make the world a better place – maybe do something about climate change, be the first scientist to discover how to reverse that.
Or maybe even synthesize a new energy source that will rid us of our dependence on non sustainable fuel.
It has been hard, with the economy dipping again while prices keep going up. We struggle to protect our rice bowl, but now, we might even find it hard to fill that rice bowl with rice.
What keeps us going is the thought that one day, you will do us proud, and save us all from life’s difficulties.
But then we heard in the news today that YOU FUCKING WENT AND ENTERED YOUR STUPID POLYTECHNIC’S LEAPFROGGING TEAM TO BREAK SOME FUCKING WORLD FUCKING RECORD FOR FUCKING LEAPFROGGING???!!!
When I was in the Army, someone gave me a gift which was supposed to be the China Army version of the Swiss Army knife. We know the latter to be chock full of useful tools which you might need, like a foldaway magnifying glass to look for the tiny screw which you’ve struggled to place in an equally tiny hole with your tiny screwdriver from the same tool.
But the China Army knife came one (or two) better – there was a foldaway fork and a foldaway spoon, so that you could eat your foldaway meals without using your fingers. Problem was, you could only use one of them at a time, even though the spoon and fork folded out at opposite ends of the tool.
Here’s a gift idea that’s just as useless, and which we saw featured on Fox News, it’s called “The Back Up“, and it’s a cradle that attaches to your bed for to cradle your shotgun where you can reach it while you sleep. “Keep Your Gun By Your Side!”, says the website, “Put your shotgun where you an reach it, instead of some out of the way place where it does you no good!”
As you can imagine, it’s not the gift for everyone. Or as one of the commenters on the YouTube page quips, “This is only for fools who don’t wear their shoulder holster to bed”.
“I told you a thousand times before, put your gun in The Back Up, that’s what I bought it for!”
“But darling, that’s not my gun. It’s loaded though”.