Our child will not be wearing squeaky shoes

OK, these aren’t squeaky, but we dislike them too

There is one thing that should be banned for the sake of your kid and the general public – shoes that squeak.

They are by far the most irritating things parents can buy for their children. So far, none of our friends who’ve kids have made their children wear squeaky shoes, so we haven’t been able to ask why the heck anyone would want their kids to squeak with every step they take.

I can only imagine some parents possibly saying that it’d help them know roughly where their kids were running, and how fast they’re running.

A squeak… squeak… squeak… squeak might tell them that their kid was marching along at a normal pace, while a squeak… squeak… squeak… would either mean their kid was walking slowly or trying to hop on one foot (provided both left and right shoe squeaked the same squeak).

A squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak thonk might indicate their kid running into something, with no subsequent squeaks after the thonk indicating that their kid was off his or her feet and badly hurt.

I dunno. Some people have wind chimes to tell them the wind’s blowing, I suppose.