Never die before is it?

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“Never die before is it?”

That’s what my mother and other older relatives used to say to me, my siblings and other cousins who had been naughty.

That used to puzzle me a bit. Not too much, because I was more concerned with the immediate pain associated with a slap or a session with the rattan cane. A couple of foolhardy times, I had spoken back with the obvious retort, “No, never die before”.

The cane coming down on my legs made a swishing sound that, if you listened carefully, was saying with a lisp, “you will now, shhhtupid”.

This is my blog, and therefore that anecdote is somehow associated with the following story about a German artist who is planning to display a dying person and call it art.

He wants someone whose dying hours will be spent in an art gallery with the public admiring the way the light plays on the flesh of a person gasping for the last breath.

I’m wondering how he’s going to audition suitable candidates. The interview might go something like, “Have you died before? No? So what makes you think you’re a suitable candidate? Oh, you’re dying, is it? Well, buster, I have news for you! We’re all dying, punk! Take a number!”

Maybe I’m a plebian, but I really don’t see how displaying a dying man “restores grace” in death, or how displaying a starving dog or blood from self-induced abortions is art.

I had a really bad bout of food poisoning today, and contemplated calling my ‘installation’ the ‘three flush purge’, but thought better of it. It’s just not art.

If only Michael Faye did this instead…

I don’t keep my car well. I don’t like washing it, and it’s not a good thing that it’s a black car, because it’s usually so dusty it’s more like a shade of dark grey.

I’ve had people finger paint on my car the usual epithets – “wash me”, “dirty fellow”, and “www.washme.com”.

But a couple of days ago, Naomi caught this on Fox News (no she doesn’t usually watch Fox News, it was one of those just so happened to press wrong number on the SCV remote and hey look that’s interesting kinda situations ya know), and said, hey, since you don’t like to get the car washed, you should do something like this. Then again, neither of us can paint, so scratch that idea. (Geddit? Scratch that idea? Car? Scratch? No? Long bow? Too oblique? Come on, it’s Christmas! Let it go!)

So anyway, this fler by the name of Scott Wade idly fingered his way to fame and fortune by “painting” a dusty windscreen. Several magnum opii later, he’s got on several television programs, and even a website that sells merchandise like caps and prints of his artwork. I was hoping for something equally offbeat like “Dirty Car Art Starter Kit 5oz. bag of dust”, or something, but I suppose the madness has to end somewhere.

Scott Wade’s performance art:

You don’t really have to be an artist/painter to make something out of a dusty windscreen though:


“I wish my wife was this dirty” – Photo by Darling Snail

Ex Wallaby 2005: Graffiti with grease
Ex Wallaby 2005 – Graffiti on a dirty tank

More of Scott Wade’s art here.

Where is Michael Faye now anyway?