Open to suggestion

My mother used to tell me, ‘If your friends asked you to go jump into the ocean, you would’.

And that’s how I turned out. Just that my friends haven’t asked me to jump into the ocean yet.

But I think that’s just how my friends like me. I am very easily persuaded. Especially by women. And tonight was no different. Sam took me to dinner, saying chicken rice and salted vegetable soup was just the tonic for a long day at work, and I agreed, even though I knew that she was just hankering for chicken rice and not really concerned about what was really good for me.

Then we browsed round the shops, not really looking for anything, but coming across a nice pair of shoes she said she thought she wanted, and which she bought, and which she persuaded me to buy a pair of for myself.

Then we browsed some more, not looking for anything else, but coming across the shop that sold Havaianas slippers, where she picked out the pair of slippers identical to the ones she had, and persuaded me to buy a pair for myself.

Same pair of shoes, same pair of slippers, but I’m not worried this would lead to something. It’s not as if it’s as permanent as a tattoo, which I have one, and which is identical to one someone else has, because that someone else persuaded me to have the same one.

Nope. Don’t mean a thing. Just like when someone else told me some time ago, ‘hey, you should start a blog’.

havaianas
‘l like the pair you have but you should get the pair I have’, Sam said

Surf stop: Expat@Large


iTunes’ party shuffle is playing a copy of: These Foolish Things – Etta James – The Essential Etta James Disc 1, of which I have the original CD and therefore didn’t steal music.

UFOs destroy My Very Own Glob

I was trawling through my statcounter’s referrer stats and discovered that someone doesn’t like something that’s been written here, and has set this thingamajig to send UFOs to destroy my blog. He or she even set the Destruction Level to ‘Massive’ too! Nabeh!

Massive(!)
Basket!

Vart have I done to deserve this? I am a saint! I nair say bad things bout nobardy!


National Arts Council’s Sexyblogger

Updated: The culprits are here and here, instigated by Minishorts.


iTunes’ party shuffle is playing a copy of: The Ground Beneath Her Feet – U2 & Daniel Lanois – The Million Dollar Hotel, of which I have the original CD and therefore didn’t steal music.

Newsradio 938, late breaking news, but not too late, because we close at midnight

My big fat grapevine tells me not much happened in the newsroom at Mediamonopolycorp’s Newsradio 938 last night when news broke of the earthquake, so I’ve had to fill in the blanks a little:

Eh, so how ah, go where eat supper?

Dunno leh, every day eat Newton sian leh.

*Beep Beep*

Eh, my friend SMS say building shake, ask whether got earthquake or not?

Har? Earthquake?

*Beep Beep*

Yah, another one just SMS’d me.

Quick, turn on tv.

*press press… flicker flicker… CNA comes on and shows live report*

Oh no. Really. Earthquake.

So how?

Wait, I check.

*dial dial… buzz buzz… mumble mumble… nod nod…*

Manager/Producer say no point, we close shop liao, let CNA do the story.

OK, so how ah, go where eat supper?

Newton lah, where else. Eh, I ask you ah, you renew road tax got pay the radio license or not ah?

I also say. Give the $110 (tv licence) and $27 (car radio licence) to be placed in a bloggers’ fund, because at least some bloggers bother to risk life and limb to bring you the news. (link via mr brown via lancerlord).


Auntie, the teh-O too hot, burn my tongue. See lah?

Surf stop: Abigael



iTunes’ party shuffle is playing a copy of: Standing In The Doorway – Bob Dylan – Time Out Of Mind, of which I have the original CD and therefore didn’t steal music.

Didn’t know that didja? Part II

My friend who was asking me all those questions yesterday leads such an interesting life, travelling all over the world, meeting really interesting people and having conversations with them.

I will be writing about her encounters with Bali beach boys and NGO volunteers who work as hotel chauffeurs to fund their NGO activities. But the hour, it is late, and I have to clock-in at the factory early tomorrow morning. Why is the hour late? Because my friend called earlier to tell me she just realised there was this little known language or Creole known as Papia Kristang, which apparently is spoken in Malacca and Singapore:

Cristão (or Papiá Kristang or simply papia, i.e. language in archaic Portuguese) is a Creole language based in Portuguese spoken in Malacca, Malaysia and in Singapore.

And, we also had an argument about how ‘barrage’ was pronounced in ‘Marina Barrage’. She called it ‘barrage’, as in a ‘barrage of artillery fire’, while I called it ‘barridge’ as in ‘barridge rhymes with porridge’.

And because we liked talking to each other so much, we took a long time before we decided to settle the argument with a look up at dictionary.com. I was right, as expected, but neither of us had watched the news on the telly to know how CNA and Channel 5 presenters pronounced the word.

Then we went back to talking about the Portuguese and she said, ‘how come we don’t know that many Portuguese?’ I said, ‘Gort! We have Vernetta Lopez and all the other Eurasians on telly and radio, and we have the de Souzas and the D’Almeidas, who made their fortune harvesting gutta-percha which was used to insulate telegraph wires’.

Then my friend got sleepy and said, ‘hey, let’s talk again tomorrow, do you know where I can get good Peranakan food? I don’t, cos I no longer have a finger on the pulse of the nation’.


I’ll have her finger on my pulse!

I couldn’t turn down his impassioned plea, so Vicnan, you’re it:


If I try very, very hard, I can adjust my spectacles with my tongue



iTunes’ party shuffle is playing a copy of: Romeo’s Heart – John Farnham – Romeo’s Heart, of which I have the original CD and therefore didn’t steal music.

Dam the barrage

For a slow Monday morning:

Some computer program says Mr Miyagi writes this blog like a pop-novelist. Nabeh, I high-brow ok?

The folks at SquareBrain.net have given several blogs a whirl on the machine, and have given them some sort of ranking. I dunno how those rankings work. A bit like how NUS is the 18th ranked uni in the wurl.

You will find this totally unrelated, but it’s funny how there are so many things one doesn’t notice about Singapore until one’s friend comes back from overseas, and asks, ‘what on earth is a marina barrage?’, and one tells them, ‘erm, is like a dam, to catch water, pump seawater out, make it freshwater, and people can play watersports’.

That was my best paraphrase of all the CNA reports about the barrage.

Then she asked more pressing questions, like, ‘Do you remember them ever mentioning anything about a barrage? How come all of a sudden got barrage? How come no discussion, no debate, nothing?’

My best analysis about why it was like that was, ‘Cos it’s not like it’s a casino or the gays cause aids issue, so it doesn’t concern us socially, so no need to ask who got awarded the tender to design and build the thing lah, who runs the thing lah, y’know?’

Then my friend took out her camera to show me really nice pictures of the places she’s visited on her long stint abroad.


More scintillating manner of writing, can?

Surf stop: Air

iTunes’ party shuffle is playing a copy of: You Ain’t Livin’ Till You’re Lovin’ (with Tammi Terrell) – Marvin Gaye – The Very Best of Marvin Gaye, of which I have the original CD and therefore didn’t steal music.

Sunday surfin’

Because both Mandrake and Cowboy are openly smitten by Lynn’s scintillating manner of writing, I shan’t be shy about it either. In her latest post, which seems to be the first in a series, she talks about what really happens in the hallowed residential halls of NUS (National U-Nair-Study of Singapore). I believe sex will be involved. So go there with your antennae pricked and tune in.

I know it’s been written about before, can? But Lynn’s got a scintillating manner of writing, can?

How do you hold your licker?
Can see or not? The scintillating manner of writing?

iTunes’ party shuffle is playing a copy of: Funny Face – Yehudi Menuhin & Stephane Grappelli – Menuhin & Grappelli Play Gershwin, of which I have the original CD and therefore didn’t steal music.




Better have the handsfree attached when Steph Song calls

Cowboy Caleb sez ‘be consistent in your content’ or something or other. And while I hardly ever apologize for the content of this glob, I’ve been told that the very thing that draws people here is the fact that I drop names and pictures of famous people (even Cowboy’s taken to this, though I think he likes Cheryl Fox ‘cos she’s got a porn star name) and gossip about them, and lately I haven’t been doing that enough.

So, here ’tis:

This morning, while I’m driving a doe, a deer, a very attractive female friend, someone calls on the mobile while I don’t have the handsfree attached and it’s Steph Song!

I hear a whole bunch of expletives, and decide, ok, this one important, better put on handsfree:

You little shit! MISTER MIYAGI eh? My friend emailed me the link to your blog!, said Miss Song, calling all the way from L.A. and not looking a day over 25.

But it’s a blog, and the readers know not everything here is true, and they’ll believe what they want to believe anyway, and they probably believe I don’t really know Steph Song!

Fuck, of course they wanna believe you know me! And I know lotsa people read your blog, or else my friend wouldn’t have emailed me!

That is so not true!

It is, you little meanie! Look at what you did to Fiona Xie!

OK. So, how’s L.A.?

L.A.’s fine, but it’s getting expensive, so I’m coming back. So, can you stop people reading about me on your blog?

Har? You’re coming back? OK, I’ll ask the readers very nicely to stop reading about you here.

You little shit! You’re such an asshole! What did I do to you?

Oh come on! Fair game! How’dja find my new phone number anyways?

I ain’t tellin’ ya, you little shit, you’re gonna write it in your blog, MISTER MIYAGI!

Why don’t you start your own blog and write stuff about me lah!

So, please, all youse readers of this here glob, don’t read the bits about Steph Song, ok? All untrue. Even the stuff I’ve just written.


Ceci n’est pas une pipe

iTunes’ party shuffle is playing a copy of: Way over Yonder – Blessid Union of Souls – Tapestry Revisited: A Tribute to Carole King, of which I have the original CD and therefore didn’t steal music.

I’m too sexy for my blog: national coverage

This morning, Xiaxue told me that I had been called a ‘pervert’ on a national newspaper, and I knew the ‘sexyblogger’ gag had reached heights unprecendented for any Singaporean online stunt.

But there are some technical problems with flickr at the moment, and pictures tagged with ‘sexyblogger’ aren’t appearing properly. But donch worry, all is not lost. All is never lost with mr brown! If you’ve got a sexyblogger picture, go to mr brown’s and leave a comment with the link!


Sexyblogger’s triber as well as grober!

iTunes’ party shuffle is playing a copy of: Tears At The Birthday Party – Elvis Costello with Burt Bacharach – Painted From Memory, of which I have the original CD and therefore didn’t steal music.


Welcome to the A-Star red State

There will be people who find the above image highly offensive and insensitive. Well. We can amend it a little and call it the A-Star patch. We might as well tattoo HIV positive Singaporeans. Or since we’re such a connected city, we’ll put some chip in ‘em, or something. Tourists and visitors who are HIV positive will be issued with a temporary serialised A-Star with biometric identification features free of charge, to be returned to ICA officers upon departure.

We could A-Star ID AIDS victims, but this government’s banned wagon is one well-oiled, and big, machine, and I don’t see why they don’t ban sex between non-monogamous consenting adults altogether. Easy what. Solves the problem dunnit? Huh? Huh? Huh?

mr brown’s said it, and I second it. We must have some sort of certification system of authorised sexual intercourse. It may not be the only foolproof way to curb AIDS (because fools working at HSA might accidentally use tainted blood transfusions), but it will go a long way. Fornication Under Consent of the Government will be something we must all strive to attain. A manual and log card will be issued with every certificate.

While we’re at it, hey, this banned wagon thing could really work to solve all our problems. Lesseee

  1. Birds shit all over expensive cars. Shoot birds. Check. Birdshit problem solved. (Wait, they already do that)
  2. Couples marrying later and not having kids. Revoke marriage certificates and housing subsidies for couples who get married but don’t have children when they don’t have a medical reason not to. Check. Declining population problem solved.
  3. Gay people having sex and spreading AIDS. Ban gay people. Check. Gay sex problem solved, declining population problem not affected very much despite banning gay people.

Some bright spark might eventually implement this:

Ban sale of condoms to married couples medically certified to have intercourse with a view to having children.

Because non-monogamous sex is the problem but declining population is also the problem, banning condoms will prevent people from going out and having non-monogamous sex.

Campaign simi campaign? Ban can already! Ban cigarettes while you’re at it! I won’t quit smoking till you ban cigarettes. Banning increases awareness! Restrictions work! Look at ST Interactive? Make it restricted to pay per subscription only, and everyone’s talking about it.

Lots to do, but good job so far, Government! Get to work on the A-Star patch first and see where we go from there!

Surf stop: 5x Mom
iTunes’ party shuffle is playing a copy of: Everybody Plays the Fool – Aaron Neville – Warm Your Heart, of which I have the original CD and therefore didn’t steal music.